Legoland has been hired out to a radical Muslim cleric for a ‘Family Fun Day’. Maybe that’s ‘Fun’ as in ‘Fundamentalism’.
The theme park in Windsor, Berkshire, has accepted a booking from a man said to be among the top 25 hate preachers in Britain.
Haitham al-Haddad leads the Muslim Research and Development Foundation, which is based in Tower Hamlets, and is in favour of turning this country into a Sharia state.
Al-Haddad is an enthusiastic supporter of Taliban policies, believes that Jews are ‘descended from apes and pigs’, homosexuals are criminals and those who leave Islam should be killed.
Usama Hasan, of the moderate, anti- terrorism think tank, the Quilliam Foundation, said: ‘Like all extreme Islamists, he uses fascist language about non-Muslims and refuses to sit at the same table as women.’
Al-Haddad’s repugnant views are as abhorrent to mainstream Muslims as they are to the rest of us and have led to him being banned from a number of universities.
But not, apparently, Legoland. On March 9, a convoy of coaches will set off from the East London Mosque in Whitechapel for a day of ‘Halal entertainment’.
We’re not talking the Jolly Boys’ Outing to Margate here.
So what can the lucky revellers expect when they arrive? Rehearsals are already under way and this column has been sent a copy of the itinerary:
8am Morning prayers. Conducted by the former Ayatollah of Tottenham, Omar Bakri Mohammed, live by satellite from his hideout in Yemen.
9am Coaches leave for Legoland. Males and females to travel on separate coaches. Strictly no fraternisation, no iPods and no transistor radios. Anyone found with a bacon sandwich will have their hands chopped off.
9.50am Rear coach packed with explosives stops in Parliament Square. As Big Ben strikes ten, driver will blow himself up, en route to Paradise, where 72 virgins await. In the event of heavy traffic, he will detonate in the Blackfriars underpass.
10.30am Arrive Legoland, Windsor. Coaches containing women and girls to use segregated car park and entrance at rear. Guests are reminded that music and dancing are punishable by death. Mobile phones are also prohibited, because they may inadvertently set off the hi-viz suicide vests being worn by our own security personnel.
11am Mid-morning prayers, conducted by the former Ayatollah of Finsbury Park, Abu Hamza, live from his maximum security prison cell in Arizona. Today, he calls for all homosexuals and female adulterers living in Britain to be stoned to death, with Lego.
Midday Lunch in the Legoland family halal restaurant. Unfortunately, all meals have been cancelled because this is a fast day. Anyone caught attempting to smuggle in a Mars Bar or kofti kebab under their burka will be executed.
1pm Community chanting. Ram Jam Choudary leads the family funsters in a popular chorus of ‘Death to America, Death to the Jews!’ The quartermaster of the Hounslow branch of Al Muhajiroun will be handing out leaflets showing how to disguise Semtex as bricks of Lego. If wet, in bedouin tent behind Knights’ Kingdom.
2pm Members of the Tower Hamlets Martyrs Brigade stage a Mumbai-style attack on the Windsor Legoland Resort Hotel. Includes instruction in how to build a grenade-launcher out of Lego.
3pm Guests assemble at the Pirate Shores attraction, where they will be treated to a re-enaction of a typical pirate raid off the coast of Somalia. Thrill to the true story of Captain Phillips as brave Somali freedom fighters defeat the might of the Great Satan’s Navy Seals.
4pm Afternoon prayers, conducted by Ayman al-Zawahiri, live via internet from his compound in the tribal regions of Waziristan. Followed by a seminar on how Lego can be used to build weapons which can be smuggled undetected through airport security.
4.30pm All girls to report to the Kingdom of the Pharaohs for full FGM inspection. All boys to report to the Al-Aqsa recruiting tent outside the Land of the Vikings for onward transportation to Syria.
5pm Practical demonstration on how to make an execution block out of Lego, for use when making internet videos showing beheading of infidels and apostates. Younger children will be taught how to build an Osama bin Laden doll out of Lego.
5.30pm Early evening prayers (women and girls only), conducted by the White Widow, live by satellite phone from her safe house in Kenya. Her sermon tonight: ‘Death to all Kaffirs!’ She will also give helpful advice on how lessons learned during the Nairobi Shopping Mall Massacre can be applied to any future attack on the Westfield Centre at Stratford.
6pm All visitors to assemble at the Imagination Centre, where a member of the West London Jihadist Brigade will drive a lorry made out of Lego, and packed with fertiliser, into a Lego model of the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem, striking a blow at the heart of the Zionist Entity.
7pm The spectacular climax of our Family Fun Day. First, fireworks and a bonfire complete with burning effigies of George W. Bush, Tony Blair and that twerking harlot Miley Cyrus, all made from Lego.
As the flames rise high into the night sky, our spiritual leader Haitham al-Haddad will fly two remote-controlled Lego aircraft into scale models of the Twin Towers, made entirely from Lego. We hope you all have a fun day.